Thursday, 24 November 2011

….. You said you will never leave me.....

I was playing Ruby Turner song “Stay with me babe” on repeat. I find myself with a tear in my eye.  It reminds me of us, me and Yolanda the lover of my lifetime. How I used to hold her to my chest each time tis song was playing, and we will slow dance to what will culminate to the most beautiful sexual moment. I loved her, I really did. I love her still, but differently. I guess I had to learn to forgive myself cos this in one love I thought I would have stayed in it.  As she always said I have anchored, and I would say she is my nest. It was meant to be forever. I don’t know how we had to say goodbye. She meant the world to me. My lovely Yolanda.

She was introduced to me by a friend who thought we look alike. She said she had just seen a calmer shorter studious version on me. We met at a friend’s birthday party. I don’t remember being apart from her beyond that. I like the kind of music she likes. I am a Jill Scot fan, she likes Floerty, I like john Legend she liked Anthony Hammilton. I liked poetry, she had a guitar.  I had an old soul, she wore hers on her sleeve. She liked novels, I liked positive thinking material. I enjoyed cooking, she did not mind washing the dishes. We were meant to be.

I think I like that I walked in knowing that it won’t be an ease journey. Lesbian relationships don’t last. Mine was no exception. Compared to me she was on her third one and half years of relationships, I was from a long term seven years. I had promised her, from the beginning that I would love to be with her forever, or shall I say seven years. Our chemistry was the most unbelievable bond; some of you can only read about.

I m a counseling psychologist by profession, she was an accountant. There differences in our being I lived in the moment she lived for the future. She always told me I take my work home and expect her to learn and know relationship dynamics. Yet she wanted to believe that there is no perfect solution for relationships.  I guess I was hoping to equip her to deal with what comes our way. “The relationship dynamics”. Like most peeps of my kind, I loved her presence as much as I liked her being away. I hv had my space, she had her space,  we had our space. I had a  bought a townhouse where we  spent our time together,  three days a week and or longer depending on a need, and the other days in our respective homes.

 The more were apart the more I wanted to be with her. On route from Sandton with friends during lunch, I stopped at Mango checked out these long beautiful cream dresses on display, I could see us wearing them with to the altar. I took a picture of them, sent them to her to daydream.  I had an ideal of how our wedding would be. An outdoor event at my garden with  a row of white garden chairs, and a red strip of red carpet in between. She said she wanted to wear a vale, I was going to whack my dread locks, probably a pearly flower on my head. We both loved sunsets. I was praying for an afternoon wedding. And the evening reception was going to be at her house where 40 guests were to be invited to the long open table dinner. DJ Sambulo and DJ Mbali would have played golden time classics, dance songs.  And Elle would have played all instruments except drums. She is a good pianist, the best violinist too.  I was going to sing for my lady a composed song declaring my undying love. Perhaps have our song “Stay with me babe” on tune and dance like it’s just the two of us.

 Infact I wanted our big day and beyond to be beautiful. What I had asked of her was to ask her parents, what it would mean for them if we got married, someday,  and what procedures they will expect us to follow to smoothen our sour relationship. We also do need some support mechanism as lesbians, you know. Worst is when you do not have support structure, or a cousin to go back to when all is not working

For our anniversary we booked at Monte Casino. We had dinner at thee Cantare and we were serenaded by  live music below. They actually played the most relevant song form Kenny G Silhouette on flute, and later a Carole King- “ Will you still love me tomorrow” . I held her in my arms and danced slowly with her in silence. I genuinely loved her. I wanted to take things easy too. I remembered how I felt in love too soon to quick with my first love, how I find myself in a marriage without exit clauses and the relationship baseline. Incidentally we brought rings as anniversary gifts. She called my ring a promise ring; I called mine an eternity ring. Her words were she knows it’s difficult, to stay true. But she promise to love me. And mine words to her were: to eternity.

To solidify our commitment and draft our commitment, we had planned a weekend away at Hotel Forum Holumi, at Muddlesdrift where we were going to go away to our relationship conference, to share on our relationship baseline just the two of us. It is  a boutique hotel. We were going to go to the excellent Spa, and decongest, detoxify, have dinner for two at the sunset, at the edge of the mountain.I have known her eighteen months then, I have been counting my blessing.

You see as a psychologist my sessions do include relationship planning and advices for those who are getting married soon on how to stay happy, rekindle your relationships. I had thought it will be easy to work with her on that. I mean I get flowers and gifts from clients who would be telling me that I have helped them work out their differences in relationships. I had hoped that I have instilled values would proof our relationship cheating and dishonesty.  For an example, in instances where there was an opportunity to cheat, I would have ensured that I develop a cheating proof mechanism. Each time one part feels like cheating, our cheating proof mechanism included that partners needed to share about such temptations way in advance so that it is not the devil’s thought. The more you spoke about it, chances are your partner won’t do it if she has your interest at heart.  Bad thoughts are deceitful when thought alone.

I have always wondered if she wants kids, where would she like to raise them, what role she would want me to play in raising the kids. Whether she aspires to have a boat, and travel the world. What she envisaged to happen when one of us passes on. I did a lot of travelling for my group therapies. That was serious problem for Yolanda. She wanted to see me every day, to call her consistently and loose myself in her. And when that did not happen, she felt neglected and unloved. And thought I m cheating,

Yolanda’s parents had a hard time accepting her identity as a lesbian. They were a perfect couple, went to church every Sunday. Her mother Wendy used to wear suites with steering hats. I remember when we met for dinner. She was dressed in a cream dress and a pearly necklace. I like the eeriness and their thick emotions about her guest. That is me. I liked how she consciously wiped her mouth with her table apron that was almost red blood when we left from the red lipstick she had.  She asked drilling questions like does my family approve of my state of being, do I go to church, do I know that it’s a sin we can’t be gay, we are insulting God. I am only grateful that I went there with my earplugs. I could hardly hear what she was saying.   She was her obnoxious self. She said she wanted grandchildren, the more we explained the procedures available; she continuously said she saw nothing wrong with the normal way. I now knew where Yolanda’s unhappiness and gloominess came from.  Her father said that if I were a man he would have said, he wishes that I honor her fragile daughter. They always spoke of Mike being the most suitable suitor for her. That they had spoken to him about his role in making and raising a good wife. 

I thought they were going to like the thought that we are finally settling down. After all I was suppose to honor her daughter.  I could imagine her family at the front row next to the altar. Her mother with her designer hat. And her lanky husband, my soon to be to be my official father in law seating next to her with the handkerchief that matches the tie and her hat.  I could imagine her faking her tears of joy yet not so joyous.

I had a week’s conference in Cape Town. During the course of the week I was not feeling well. I had a stomach bug so painful. Not even Immodium could silence. I decided on a Wednesday that I will fly back home to die in the arms of my life.  I managed to get an evening flight, drove to her house. My phone was not charged. Her car was parked outside. Thank God I had a house key, walked up the door and opened.

Like I normally do, I was calling her name in the passage way to her bedroom. When I open the door, there she was with another woman in bed. And two glasses of wine and the Spier Chenic Blanc. And she skipped out the bed, apologizing…… I have replayed that scene over and over again in my mind. It does not make sense. It can’t make sense. Six weeks later I recive a pack form the post office. It’s a copied CD, Ruby Turner “ remember u said yo never gonna leave me, remember, I am asking you begging u, please”

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Dinner 4 8 Plenary Session

Dinner 4 8  Plenary Meeting Report

I attend task team meetings and some NGO’s (LGBIT) meetings. Just  to get grips of what is happening in  LGBTI  community industry. But also to note the gaps. I have been told many a times that the African Lesbian seems to be illusive, or she does not take herself seriously or she is an alcoholic who is governed by alcohol. They say if you want see her, tell her there is alcohol, women and sex. For a moment I thought that is an insult. And yet in reality I am beginning to believe it. Who is the African Lesbian, and what does she want.

When I came out as a lesbian, I wanted to see material about the real life stories of the African Lesbian; I wanted to know the reality stories are told about culture, lifestyle, and acceptance. I wanted to know who I come out to. It was obvious that there is no structure, a formulated structure, and gay men seemed to have planed it all. I made a promise to myself that one day when I can, I want to be part to a progressive lesbian community. So dinner 4 8 is one of the efforts done to create awareness on what matters about being a lesbian.

I wanted to host the plenary session at Love and Revolution, cos that is owned by lesbians. Also  cos it is one place where change is spoken of through poetry song and the dance. Unfortunately it was closed; they close at 13h00. But I went next door sat close to the area, so that when I see a lesbian coming through, I will invite them to join me there. Only four pitched, and they are my friends. You think they pitched cos they are lesbians who wants to see the change, or cos they are my friends. I had an open tap of R1000, our drinks were R160.

Now, here is this person whose social responsibility is directed towards working together to help change the perception for African lesbians, and also to create awareness and demystify mysteries about being a lesbian.  And mobilizing from the ground, or grass root by engaging with on core issues. And none of those who were vocal and supportive of the Dinner 4 8 were there. The question is, is it relevant. Should it be done.
The minutes of the Dinner 4 8 Plenary  meeting.

I outlined that I will be allocating a minimum amount of R2000 for the dinner, that other lesbians who feel it will be adding value can contribute towards the kitty.  A three meal course is prepared shared at the table. We plan to do it anyway. Guests will be selected by the crew, depending on their expertise and understanding.

1.       We agreed that the purpose of Dinner 4 8 is:

·         To showcase positive African lesbian lifestyle by inviting upcoming and successful lesbians to dinner for a meal, where as the young have role models to look up to.

·         To showcase lifestyle through careers as subjects covered will require expects, hopefully from the (African) lesbian community

·         Invite existing experts like chefs, audiovisual specialists to put together the complete 12months programmes, including scripting, and editing, also designers to showcase and sample their interior designers, graphic designers etc.

·         To discuss in length relevant subjects that impact on the African Lesbian: culture,  identity stereotypes, sexuality health, and subjects that are a mystery to many e.g: changing sex, butch parenting,

·         It is meant to bring together a scattered talent to be molded into being for the generations yet to come, and for ourselves and as a community to share our reality.

2.       We brainstormed on subjects that can be discussed, what could be shared; what the outcome should be. What we were not sure about who are the most relevant lesbians to invite and engage.  Also whether Friday Dinner, or Saturday as the best day to host the show.

Who are invited
Crew Requirements
Jan 28th
Financial Planning
A successful lesbian who has made it through advance financial planning, and 5 lesbian who want a financial mentor, and
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
an expert in financial planning
A better planned future.
Feb 24th
Love and Relationship
Three couples one who has been in a long term relationship, just married, and or engaged to be married
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
A relationship advisor
Lesbian Marriages are marriages too
March 30th
Theme: Cuban

6 Individuals for dinner to share on their coming out stories
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
Lesbians are humans with purpose too
April 27th
Legal implications’ of being a lesbian
Two lesbian in the legal fraternity, task team gov representative
 and individuals with questions
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
Learning the constitutions
May 25th
The lesbian entrepreneur
 Two CAILB representative, 5 businesses
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
Business opportunities and success stories
June 29th
The Lesbian  Parenting
6 lesbians parents, married, single and
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
Pros and cons of lesbian parenting
July 28th
 Lesbian Fashion
2 Fashionistas,2 Fashion designers, 2 image consultant
A scripter
An events planner
2 Models
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
Different lesbians clothing lifestyle
August 25th
The Lesbian Cultural Woman
7 lesbians from various cultural background
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
Impact of culture
To lesbians
Sep 29th
Spring: Sex Health Issues
6 lesbians to talk about their sexuality, guest sexologist
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
 Health Sexuality awareness to lesbians
Oct 27th
 7 well travelled lesbians
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
Travel Aspirations
Nov 24th
7 lesbians to review books
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
A reading lesbian nation
December 16th
Year End Celebration
20 lesbians for dinner
A scripter
An events planner
A chef
A interior designer  
A videographer
A year end celebration

3.       Next Step

For lesbians to find which subjects they will conversant on. Register with the yet to be appointed convener.  

Dinner 4 8 Panel is looking for volunteers:

·          Project Convener

·          Vidoegrapher, we already have two individuals who are keen

·         Chefs: I have included my name. Fundi Ndaba

·         Guest show hosts for topics

Monday, 7 November 2011


Preamble: This poem is dedicated to a very special being who once crossed my life. I dont know what had possessed me when I came up with this poem. i think i had just felt like an immortal. It could be. I was transformed or I was out of my skin.  But I think I was so lost in our moment, that nothing made sense on this planet.  My feet were not touching the ground. And that what I would call a trance.

We the mortals need assurance and continuous confirmation
We need assurance and declaration
We need to show and share
We want to display
for other mortals must know how we feel
what we take home, how we take that home
yet our share of experience is a journey, by  a journalist
that we are yet to read and learn from

we the mortals are afraid to accept the gift beyond
we love what we can understand manipulate
hence we collect, own and manage what is in our space
we however know that we have a gift to share and exist beyond our space
by giving endlessly, loving unconditionally, note that today is the only gift we have every day.

we the mortals are on  the quest  to find what we can not necessary describe
that through the body we can share with other mortals
that we hardly describe as love, construed  in our terms
and minimise it to a term coined as love.

to you my dear my share of feelings can only be defined by the immortals
it is beyond the body
it is soul connection
it is the energy that describe immortal existence

We the mortals define channelling our wellbeing to other  wellbeing’s as love
i choose to define it as infinite, eternal expression of co-existence that can not  be vested in human definitions and intervention. it is limiting
I define it as pure, sheer connection of to beautiful souls with a purpose to be
it is an adventurous journey of two souls admiring that beauty of co-existence.
it is a silent feeling that we dont necessary plan to explain

i am affirming that I am mortal for now
my understanding of love is limited to sharing, wanting, being selfish, wanting and immediate gratifications AND AAAAAAHAAAAA!!!!!

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

My Coming Out Journey : Part 1

 I was at a The Bank Club at a friend’s invitation, this past weekend. I left my house thinking that I will be meeting with a friend  and we will party up  storm. Who knows she could have woken up at my lounge.  Only to find out that she has brought her girlfriend.  And I came alone.  It was one of those events where I decided to brave it alone, dance alone and have as much fun. I got home in the morning, when sky was navy blue, having made new friends

At this party, there was this short petite woman who reminded me of my journey of my discovery. She told me that here name was Lola. I liked her hazelnut eyes.   I was drinking a good morgitos that night. But I remember her tiny body clinging to me on the dance floor at Capello’s Newtown ten years ago. I was sweating literally cos it was too hot to handle.  I also remember leaving the venue gasping for air cos she wanted to dance with me more.  At that dance floor she asked me if I am a lesbian. She actually wanted me to take her home for some recreational activities.   Me a lesbian, I could not be. I was as straight as a ruler.  And I thought I love men, and it never dawn me that I could be attracted to a woman  I also remember making a huge u- turn on route so that I go back find her and take her home. 

I did find her and her friends leaving the venue. I took her to her home. Spend three hours practicing kissing her lips.  I loved that I kissed her beautifully. I think I bored her to death. She needed more, more movements, more action,  more sweating. And I only had my lips. At the time I had thought my lips were the only assets needed to please. I told her that I don’t do women. I find them too exotic to explore.  I never saw her again after that night. I continued with my life without her. 

  I don’t remember when exactly did I realize that I m a lesbian. But my coming out journey has been long and painful. And it has made me realized that sexuality is the only journey which I alone have to travel. I can’t explain it to my sisters my parents and all. It is mine alone to travel. I am the second child to my parents. One of their three gals. I was not pretty as my aunt will try to explain why I was different, I think. The one that would stand with eyes closed to receive a kiss but never does. I looked like my father. I had always wanted to be my father’s boy. Pity parts did not grow where they were supposed to. So I was a woman, I am a woman.

Being thee second child, had me being a little invisible, less heard less spoken to. I think to seek attention I had to go onto extremes of being naughty. I would open radios to see what is in inside, wear my father’s tie wondering what I would be, if I was given a chance. I dressed differently, walked differently, aspired not to conform. Also the most vocal, it was important to be heard.  Not sure where being a rebel came from.  But I know that I gave my mother a hard time to raise me.  She says I was the most challenging of all her three of her offspring.

 Well until I met her again at the club. She walked up to me and asked if she knows me from somewhere. I thought her face was remarkable familiar. I was amazed at how much she reminded me of those hazel eyes that hypnotized me a few years ago. I blatted that I don’t remember. That she does look familiar. I am sure I am a twin from the past.  And I continued dancing away from her. Afraid that she would have clung to me again. And this time I would have blown her away. Lol

Monday, 31 October 2011

“ A Toast to the Purest Form of Love”, a Lesbian Love

I watched their car with tins banging the road disappear, and a note white paint writings that read Just Married, growing fainter. They were on their way to a honeymoon, in Mpumalanga. The two had just begotten married. My heart is filled with joy. The two deserve each other, I have not seen people, humans who glow with each other’s presence the way the two did. The difference is they are lesbians and they are getting married in South Africa.
My country is the best country when it comes to the best constitution in the world. All people are equal in front of the law, all race, gender and creed are respected for who they are. And in her mind, she planned to do right with her. She loved her dearly. She has been there with her for the past three years, and there was nothing that stops them from formalizing their relationship rather than marriage. They both were ready to leap.

She discovered that she is a lesbian when she was ten years, at the playfield. Our socialization was reinforced through role playing. Thandi was always the boy who fetched wood, and when we played the weddings Thandi was the groom. I liked how she looked in her waist coat and pants and borrowed men’s shoes. Always with short hair. Her mother sometimes called her the boy she never had. After all she had the handsome father features.  It was not a surprise when she eventually told her mother that she is looking for a partner, she will bring umakoti(Bride) to the family.

And she brought her girlfriend for the first time to her home during varsity holidays. Her mother cried when   the partner left. She said her daughter is doing the very impossible, unimaginable that thing that is  to fall for a woman. She was never prepared for her daughter to bring a woman instead of a man. She also assumed that Thandi will never have kids. She daydreamt about grandchildren. They were beautiful together, Thuli makes her happy. And glows each time she mentions her name.
 We all congregated at the Home Affairs, in the morning. I felt truly honored to be part of a journey of two souls to be connected into their next journey of being  I was invited as a witness.  They both wore cream white satin suites, Thuli had a flower on her head. And pearls necklace, and stilettos. I liked her soft natural lipstick, and the sattle  make up she wore. I observed how Thandi carried her suites on her shoulders, and the pointer shoes she was wearing. She seemed ready to take the step. I did though sense her nervousness when she said her vows. Echoed as “……. I promise to love you til the end of time. My only love.” I shared a tear when they kissed on what seemed to be an eternal seal of beautiful love.

They had dinner with their close family and friends.  Uncle David decided to stand up to blessed their marriage. He said he had never seen or heard about lesbian love, nor did he think he will stand up at a wedding of his niece to tell the world that he is blessing the two. He has never seen such pure love, genuine appreciation for the other like she has seen out of the two. These is a testimony to the most purest form of love, love of two women who plan to spend the rest of their lives together.  He has never heard of it he continued,  to share.

 He said he is embracing it with the pinch of salt, and blame it on ignorance. He continued to say the signs that Thandi was a special child were there, she bought her car whilst a student working shifts as a waitress and shop attendant. She had her flat as soon as she completed varsity. In his mind he thought Thandi was well behaved, little did he know that some of the women were probably girlfriends. We all burst into laughter when he said so. He continued to wish them well and further say that thank God he had from Generations about Invintro and  babies chances of being a grand uncle are possible and he looks forward to embracing  a grandchild whose name will be Smanga( Amazing). He said we should all raise our glasses to a good drink and toast to the “Purest Form of Love. ” I gulped with a tear in my eye. And wished them well.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Batswana lesbians can love and be loved without guilt

I once felt for a Tswana woman. I loved her deeply. I considered her exotic type,the type that volunteers teaching the Baswara in the dessert. I was also intrigued by her level of sophistication. We went to movies, thearter, live perfomances. Dined and dance. She was very conversant and a loving person. My motswana woman. She always said she woull rather be in South Africa that her home country. I never undertstood it until I went to bury the mother. I did dawn me that she meant we could not be affectionate with each other anywhere and everywhere, including her family home. We left Botswana without a kiss, ya kiss. It got me wondering how is that possible.

Not that there are no lesbians in Botswana. I am told, it is virgin territory. For a saturated terrain that South Africa, I stand a better chance to find my lifetime partner. I have vivid memory of her warm.She was the warmest body I hv ever met. God knows I loved her, or should I say I had intense emotions directed to her. I am hoping that was is shared below offers green light for the whole lot of closeted women to come out and be. Someday we will be together.

Festus Mogae, the former President of Botswana, told the BBC that homosexuality should be decriminalised in Botswana. Mogae's call coincides with a potential call to Commonwealth Heads of Government to decriminalise homosexuality as well.

Voices Call for Decriminalisation of Homosexuality
From BBC News Africa:
Festus Mogae

Then I come to things like same sex relations, men who sleep with men. I don't understand it. I am a heterosexual, I look at women, I don't look at other men, but, there are men who look at other men. These are citizens. If these people can infect each other, that means that a percentage of the population are becoming victims of HIV infection. They have to be helped. Again, I find that if you are arresting them, you will not be able to help them.

Festus Mugae and Kenneth Kaunda, former Presidents of Botswana and Zambia, were on the HIV Free Generation tour in May. At a news conference in Lilongwe they condemned Malawi's criminalisation of homosexuality as harmful to LGBTI persons and the fight against HIV/AIDS.

In the BBC Debate in May, Is homosexuality un-African?, Mogae placed the rights of LGBTI persons in a human rights framework.

I did not come out in support of gay rights but I did come out in support of human rights. I am not a pro-gay activist. I say I don't understand the sexual preference but they are entitled to it and therefore they should not be discriminated against, it should not be criminalised.

I can't understand why you say that homosexuality is un-African when there is evidence that it has always existed and exists today as it does elsewhere in the world. And therefore it appears to me that homosexuality whether we understand it or not or whether we like it or not is as African as it is European as it is Asian...We are trying to pursuade the rest of Africa and show them that homophobia is unjustified.

The Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) in Australia may also include an agenda item asking for the decriminalisation of homosexuality in the commonwealth. Forty-one of the 53 Commonwealth countries still criminalise homosexuality and HIV campaigners say such laws are seriously harming the ability to stop HIV infection.

Leaders will meet in Perth, Australia, next week for the Commonwealth heads of government meeting (CHOGM).

Australian delegate Michael Kirby said today that the agenda will include a request to scrap anti-gay laws.He told ABC Radio that HIV messages were “very difficult” to get across without removing laws against gay sex. Gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell, who is calling on people to lobby Commonwealth leaders, said that there is a “strong possibility” that the issue will appear on the agenda.

But he added that it was “not yet a certainty” and urged people to sign a petition. where do I sign

Orgasm: The Gift of the Moment

I think orgasm is the most animalistic incident a human being engages on. You know that humans risk their comfort to have this incident. It happens to the most conservative lot. And to the freakiest, too. It draws a lot of hormones,and energy. And it can be as quick as 3 minutes. Or a lifetime of experience that fades with time.

 I dread orgasm. I don’t look forward to it at all. Yet, it is the most rewarding feeling ever.   The feeling I would to love to encapsulate it measure it  in my  Sex Pleasure Measure Dome(SPMD). SPMD is my newly found tool used to measure sexual gratification whether it was 100% or 90% , or 40%   . Infact, I have stopped a long time ago to measure my performance  cos the purpose in connecting to your partner depends on how much pleasure she gives me.  Also the measured performance got us loosing the plot. We were forever challenged to outperform the last incident, and yet in lovemaking the intention should be to  make love cos it pleases me to make her happy, make me happy. In a way, my priority is to please her and do it at the best of my ability and stay in that moment as and when it happens.

 I read an article that said that 95% of women don’t know if they have had orgasm. I stood there wondering, have I had this exhilarating moment or have I been imagining it. In other words have I been faking it. I am sure it is possible to fake it, flow with you partner when she starts making funny noises you join in and be noisy with her and scream her name when she screams yours. Until she says a vibrating noise at the end of it you say so too. And you both are humming hmmmrrrrr hmmmmmrrrr together. And silence.  Mind you there is climax that I choose not to give glorify in this platform.  

I bought a vibrator to use on me, just to test  that I have those muscle that contract involuntary. I was amazed by the sensation I felt in my vaginal area. It left me smiling. I was however disappointed that it lack human character even if I had given it a name as Pinkie cos it was pink. I also  did not like that my orgasm escaped me. But it prepared me for any opportunity knowing that I have faked it, until I have perfected my moment.

Well, I define orgasm,  when love making as your journey of being into another realm, where souls are intertwined and spiral into oneness that interflows into the universe. And that happens for less done a minute or so and stays with you for a long time the after. The art is learning to create a built up that will get you to have the best moment. It is this feeling start way before the real incident, as special if your partner is able to converse with you organ.

It starts with muscle spasm in the genital area quickly diffusing to all body parts. It never crosses my mind exactly where it happens in my being.  Whether it is inside my vagina, the G sport or at the head of pearl. Or how and when my punani is capped. I always get blinded by this moment. I have watched my partners blare stare when I m pleasing her sometimes. My feet wobble and form some jelly surface at best you feel tingly. I hve felt my toes stretching as if to release energy out of the nails.  My spine sends electrifying neurons into every fibre of my being. My body would feel like,  I have just had a trauma and shivers right up to the my brain. I swear I have seen the colours of realm. I have gone into my being and stayed there for just a moment.

 I have learn to call the best orgasmic moment a twirling and a beautiful forceful one. I also like the descent that has always left my body shivering for minutes the after, that feels like an earthquake that happens with intervals until it is silences.

I dread orgasm cos the leave me totally absolute exhausted and emotionally displaced. The worst was falling asleep and waking up too late in a day and a wrong place. The best was sleeping for a day thereafter.