….. You said you will never leave me.....

I was playing Ruby Turner song “Stay with me babe” on repeat. I find myself with a tear in my eye.  It reminds me of us, me and Yolanda the lover of my lifetime. How I used to hold her to my chest each time tis song was playing, and we will slow dance to what will culminate to the most beautiful sexual moment. I loved her, I really did. I love her still, but differently. I guess I had to learn to forgive myself cos this in one love I thought I would have stayed in it.  As she always said I have anchored, and I would say she is my nest. It was meant to be forever. I don’t know how we had to say goodbye. She meant the world to me. My lovely Yolanda.

She was introduced to me by a friend who thought we look alike. She said she had just seen a calmer shorter studious version on me. We met at a friend’s birthday party. I don’t remember being apart from her beyond that. I like the kind of music she likes. I am a Jill Scot fan, she likes Floerty, I like john Legend she liked Anthony Hammilton. I liked poetry, she had a guitar.  I had an old soul, she wore hers on her sleeve. She liked novels, I liked positive thinking material. I enjoyed cooking, she did not mind washing the dishes. We were meant to be.

I think I like that I walked in knowing that it won’t be an ease journey. Lesbian relationships don’t last. Mine was no exception. Compared to me she was on her third one and half years of relationships, I was from a long term seven years. I had promised her, from the beginning that I would love to be with her forever, or shall I say seven years. Our chemistry was the most unbelievable bond; some of you can only read about.

I m a counseling psychologist by profession, she was an accountant. There differences in our being I lived in the moment she lived for the future. She always told me I take my work home and expect her to learn and know relationship dynamics. Yet she wanted to believe that there is no perfect solution for relationships.  I guess I was hoping to equip her to deal with what comes our way. “The relationship dynamics”. Like most peeps of my kind, I loved her presence as much as I liked her being away. I hv had my space, she had her space,  we had our space. I had a  bought a townhouse where we  spent our time together,  three days a week and or longer depending on a need, and the other days in our respective homes.

 The more were apart the more I wanted to be with her. On route from Sandton with friends during lunch, I stopped at Mango checked out these long beautiful cream dresses on display, I could see us wearing them with to the altar. I took a picture of them, sent them to her to daydream.  I had an ideal of how our wedding would be. An outdoor event at my garden with  a row of white garden chairs, and a red strip of red carpet in between. She said she wanted to wear a vale, I was going to whack my dread locks, probably a pearly flower on my head. We both loved sunsets. I was praying for an afternoon wedding. And the evening reception was going to be at her house where 40 guests were to be invited to the long open table dinner. DJ Sambulo and DJ Mbali would have played golden time classics, dance songs.  And Elle would have played all instruments except drums. She is a good pianist, the best violinist too.  I was going to sing for my lady a composed song declaring my undying love. Perhaps have our song “Stay with me babe” on tune and dance like it’s just the two of us.

 Infact I wanted our big day and beyond to be beautiful. What I had asked of her was to ask her parents, what it would mean for them if we got married, someday,  and what procedures they will expect us to follow to smoothen our sour relationship. We also do need some support mechanism as lesbians, you know. Worst is when you do not have support structure, or a cousin to go back to when all is not working

For our anniversary we booked at Monte Casino. We had dinner at thee Cantare and we were serenaded by  live music below. They actually played the most relevant song form Kenny G Silhouette on flute, and later a Carole King- “ Will you still love me tomorrow” . I held her in my arms and danced slowly with her in silence. I genuinely loved her. I wanted to take things easy too. I remembered how I felt in love too soon to quick with my first love, how I find myself in a marriage without exit clauses and the relationship baseline. Incidentally we brought rings as anniversary gifts. She called my ring a promise ring; I called mine an eternity ring. Her words were she knows it’s difficult, to stay true. But she promise to love me. And mine words to her were: to eternity.

To solidify our commitment and draft our commitment, we had planned a weekend away at Hotel Forum Holumi, at Muddlesdrift where we were going to go away to our relationship conference, to share on our relationship baseline just the two of us. It is  a boutique hotel. We were going to go to the excellent Spa, and decongest, detoxify, have dinner for two at the sunset, at the edge of the mountain.I have known her eighteen months then, I have been counting my blessing.

You see as a psychologist my sessions do include relationship planning and advices for those who are getting married soon on how to stay happy, rekindle your relationships. I had thought it will be easy to work with her on that. I mean I get flowers and gifts from clients who would be telling me that I have helped them work out their differences in relationships. I had hoped that I have instilled values would proof our relationship cheating and dishonesty.  For an example, in instances where there was an opportunity to cheat, I would have ensured that I develop a cheating proof mechanism. Each time one part feels like cheating, our cheating proof mechanism included that partners needed to share about such temptations way in advance so that it is not the devil’s thought. The more you spoke about it, chances are your partner won’t do it if she has your interest at heart.  Bad thoughts are deceitful when thought alone.

I have always wondered if she wants kids, where would she like to raise them, what role she would want me to play in raising the kids. Whether she aspires to have a boat, and travel the world. What she envisaged to happen when one of us passes on. I did a lot of travelling for my group therapies. That was serious problem for Yolanda. She wanted to see me every day, to call her consistently and loose myself in her. And when that did not happen, she felt neglected and unloved. And thought I m cheating,

Yolanda’s parents had a hard time accepting her identity as a lesbian. They were a perfect couple, went to church every Sunday. Her mother Wendy used to wear suites with steering hats. I remember when we met for dinner. She was dressed in a cream dress and a pearly necklace. I like the eeriness and their thick emotions about her guest. That is me. I liked how she consciously wiped her mouth with her table apron that was almost red blood when we left from the red lipstick she had.  She asked drilling questions like does my family approve of my state of being, do I go to church, do I know that it’s a sin we can’t be gay, we are insulting God. I am only grateful that I went there with my earplugs. I could hardly hear what she was saying.   She was her obnoxious self. She said she wanted grandchildren, the more we explained the procedures available; she continuously said she saw nothing wrong with the normal way. I now knew where Yolanda’s unhappiness and gloominess came from.  Her father said that if I were a man he would have said, he wishes that I honor her fragile daughter. They always spoke of Mike being the most suitable suitor for her. That they had spoken to him about his role in making and raising a good wife. 

I thought they were going to like the thought that we are finally settling down. After all I was suppose to honor her daughter.  I could imagine her family at the front row next to the altar. Her mother with her designer hat. And her lanky husband, my soon to be to be my official father in law seating next to her with the handkerchief that matches the tie and her hat.  I could imagine her faking her tears of joy yet not so joyous.

I had a week’s conference in Cape Town. During the course of the week I was not feeling well. I had a stomach bug so painful. Not even Immodium could silence. I decided on a Wednesday that I will fly back home to die in the arms of my life.  I managed to get an evening flight, drove to her house. My phone was not charged. Her car was parked outside. Thank God I had a house key, walked up the door and opened.

Like I normally do, I was calling her name in the passage way to her bedroom. When I open the door, there she was with another woman in bed. And two glasses of wine and the Spier Chenic Blanc. And she skipped out the bed, apologizing…… I have replayed that scene over and over again in my mind. It does not make sense. It can’t make sense. Six weeks later I recive a pack form the post office. It’s a copied CD, Ruby Turner “ remember u said yo never gonna leave me, remember, I am asking you begging u, please”