Friday, 7 October 2011

My lover of times

My lover of times
An ex lover visited me many months ago, I hated that she pitched up with salad leaves, parmesan cheese, crockets and a bottle of wine, without warning me.  She came in walked through to the backyard to watch the moonrise with me. I prepared the salad by putting all in the bowl. And threw in Smoked Salmon, balsamic vinegar, cocktail tomatoes,  and  I shaved the parmesan cheese in. I had lit the candles and loved watching her moisturized chocolate skin and glowing eyes. I loved the silence as we both chew and appreciated the moment, and watched the red blood moon rise. We would have been in complete silence if it was not that a mile from my house in a busy main road. The noise reminded me of a waterfall in a botanical garden nearby, as water rambled trough the garden.

I poured her the second glass of wine and asked her what brings her here. She told me that she have been thinking about me lately. She wants me to know that we have been good together, and she miss all the good time we had. She was wondering if I remember the incident when we made love out there under the sky. That she had always been so conservative about her sexuality that for the first time I have made her realise that she is free to be. She missed how  we connected,  I sighed and gulped.  And wished she had not come back, she had evoked emotions I had stuffed away, far in thoughts. I don’t want to remember. Letting her go was very painful.

She was in her late 20’s when we met.  I loved how our minds worked. We had a marriage of mind. She love my music, who loves my kinda music. She loved her space, I did. We loved listening to birds in the morning. I loved cooking for her. She loved food. When we connected, it was be fire. She was my virgin. Every time with her was as good as new.  I loved every single incident with her.  She got me to question the attraction to women; I had never thought it was possible. I had dated men before.

We  both knew that we will part ways someday. In that we did everything we had to, without reservations.  She made me happy. I looked forward to what was in the basket.  I remember to  when we celebrated our first year together. We went on to buy paint and canvass. We made love on the canvass  painted in different colours, over and over again, until we had a life encapsulating piece.  And called it “ lesbian love’. It hanged on my bedroom wall, I held on to it.  Well until recently.
We were growing closer more, finding every reason to be together. Every time she had to live I had tears in my eyes. I would embrace her as if it is her last time, watched her car disappear, until one day I told her I will like to spend the rest of my adult life with her.  We were in my bed, after morning showers. Her response was she can’t, not in this lifetime. She has met someone, and wants to start a family with him.  I think I stopped breathing on that day. The sunlight disappeared; all of the sudden the world was gloom. My life was crushed, I was loveless.  Her explanation was as flimsy. Her mother said she will disown her if she continues being in the relationship with me. That she was possessed with demons for her to fall for me. She has find God that she had to fight temptations everyday to come to me.  That it should not have happened. She is sorry she wasted my time. I held her the whole morning without a saying a word, breathing heavily as if I had a heart attack. I had lost the most beautiful love of my life.

 Today she smelt of a perfume familiar.  I held he close to my chest, looked at her eyes that seemed to be longing for being lost once again.  She did eventually got married to a man, they have been trying for a child for two years now.  It was not happening.  Her sex connection is a painful ritual, she said. That she longs for a connection that was as beautiful as ours.  As she continued to seduce me, I swallowed hard, thinking that I promised not to touch her ever again. She was contaminated; she was not mine anymore to embrace. There is something about her and candles, something about her and moon, something about her and the wine we were drinking, something about eyes that seemed to be begging for my presence. I stood up lit a cigarette. I stood a couple of feet away from her.  As I slowly drew in the nicotine into my lungs, I was imagining what I would do when I finish my cigarette.

I could feel her eyes on me from her behind. She was silent. I stood there for what seemed to be eternity. I plugged off the cigarette and went back to the seat.  I held her hand, embraced it. This tiny hand was my magic stick. It knew places in me that left me humbled. It knew how to please me. It was my magic wand. I wore a sly smile told her that I had moved on. I loved us completely when we were together, I m not sure if I want to go back to us.  That i m pleased she came to see me, wondered what got her to want to evoke what we both have let by. She said that she was not here to want me back. She just wanted to know if she is still alive. That this is the only thing a friend can do to the other, to inject life back to her.

I had a lump in my chest, I loved her with every fibre of my being.   I have always wondered if love  ever disappears. If we are able not to love what we once loved. I have always told her it was her choice to be with me. I held her up, with intentions to get her to go. She held my hand, directed it to her wet punani. She was not wearing her panties. I sighed. I was about to chant my mantra “lord lead us not into temptations”, when she pressed her tiny lips on me. We lip kissed for what seemed to be a lifetime.  I could hear the drums beating between her virgin  breast, her body tantrums ,and our breath shifting into some sync. I don’t know how we achieved that. Breathing in sync, moving in sync, gridding in sync.  We had that all the time.
She had to leave me again.  She was the lover of my life. I am grateful I met her.  I am also grateful to the four years of bliss. My lover of times........... BM

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