I have been consciously searching for love. I have paid to be on the net, have sieved through the list. I had my shortlist. And I have two of the three suitors. What amazed me how small the fishpod was, how intersexed these individuals were. How, when their relationships are not working they are quick to go back for more fish. We also have the dating sites in Africa.
I was anxious to meet my third suitor, she called. We spoke for what seemed like eternity on the phone telling me about her background. The kind of music she likes. That we were going to meet and sooner. It happened. We went to an Italian Restaurant, music in background was right. Pavarroti and Friends. The pasta served succulent. And the wine moistened the lips and the heart. We had chocolate and fresh coffee for dessert.
It was a blind date I was nervous I knew that cos I had to change my clothes three or four times. Trying not wear too sexy, too revealing, too conservative. I settled for a black semi formal dress, pearly necklace and a red lipstick. I sensed myself with corporeal cologne. I had my description of her, she told me she is slim. I have met bigger women who claim to be slim, she said she is tall. I claim to be taller, and have met taller people. I watched every lady who walked in. Wondered if a different being walked in to seat, what I would have done. I must say a beautiful woman walked in.
She asked me the expected question. What is love? I don’t remember what I responded as but that resulted in a two intense years and apparition thereafter. I thought I knew love to be an emotion a feeling, a wanting or state of being.
For many years yonder, I thought I had an understanding of what love is. I have a better description of what that could be than when I was young. I guess, I am a grown up. Love is a rainbow illusion. Some people are lucky to find the golden pot, others chase it forever. We all have our little understanding of what love is. We have a background in appreciating that. My description can be scientific: Love is the energy you share with the next.
For the very first time at our dinner table, I blurted that I honestly love her. She said she has nor been told she is love on her first date, that I sounded desperate. That she will not be surprised to know that I sweet talk every woman I meet. I thought love was a word used loosely. Over years I discovered that you do not say you love a person unless you are looking for exclusive monogamous relationship. That reminded me of how little we know about the term, word or verb called love. What we think we can use it in substitute of verb I m sexually attracted to you, or I find you attractive.
I am not naïve in using the verb love though. I studied biblical studies many years ago. Love then was described in context as Agape, also described as unconditional love. The kind of love that you share spiritually with your fellow beings, Eros, the kind that you share sexually with other beings. Philos love - a love based on friendship between two people. But I learnt that that is limiting. It boxed how I felt about love. I have learnt to love and say it all the time.
You see I am a loving person. I feed the birds cos they are God’s creation. I have two dogs that I hve energy directed too. I also have five kids at an orphanage that I like. I have cousins I can barely stand next to that I think I feel responsible to provide for even when I don’t want to. I have a daughter that I love cos she is here with me. My feelings for her cannot be associated with that of relatives, and my parents. And also my sisters. Infact, I dislike my brother for being irresponsible but I can stand next him and smile. I have many friends. I also believe a relationship should be based on good baseline friendship. To be honest I have some energy directed to all of them at some point in time. It is easy for me to say I love you, cos I assume that energy all the time I channel my energy to the next. And I am able to say "I love you, friend". I guess I said I love her cos I wanted her to know that I am a loving person not cos I meant exclusive sexual attraction. And she assumed that I am desperate. I would have said again to the next woman I meet, but I chose not to cross the line. I could have found myself not getting any, or any connection. Talk about saying things in context.
So all women I meet, I talk frankly about their beauty, and how attractive they can be.Presuming that they wont notice tha I am talking sexual attraction. It is not in all that I end up in bed with. I have met some that I just connected as humans; I wonder whether to flash my Philos card. And tell them I love them as friends, hopefully they do not get offended by the wording. She told me she had love too many and cant imagining loving me the same nite. The confusion for me was the feeling was similar with the one I get when buying a new car , or dress or a pair of shoes. I normally look, feel the urge to possess the goods. The brain will start calculating the pros and cons of the goods to be acquired, and tactfully negotiate with whether I can afford them, whether it is good to look at them, whether I have enough credit to buy and consume them. Likewise my brain seemingly uses the same feelers to check if I am capable of acquiring the goods, or the person. It normally registers in context whether I am capable of relating to the person on the other side of the table. I planned to consume the goods on the same nite.
Don’t get me wrong. I know a few that I can honestly share that our relationship wont be anything more than a kiss, a hug. And never to call again. Because we just don’t have the connection. I have met women that I would love to take home, roll up and smoke into ashes and wish them away as soon as the urge is gone. I also have women I know that they are way above my budget, in terms of offerings, receiving and giving. The kind that you know do not match your credit card like a Lamborghini. So yes. I told her I love her on her first date cos it felt rite. We could have connected as friends, as another human being and yet as a my lover to take her home. If only she wanted to be.
I don’t know what is love. I m not sure if there is any other human being who can give me a better understanding of what love is. I don’t know if I will ever know better. I know though that I am in love with when there is a degree of connection to the next. And I capsulate it and leave in it for as long as there is that energy that keeps me in it. I also know that it disappears…………